Sometimes this woman has perverted dreams and imagination that people don’t know what is going on in her life. Image has always been important to me, of course I didn’t know how to let my guard down, and let people see that it's been my agent all along and not really me. But how can I keep living this false image that I portray? I can’t hide anymore, because it feels like every part of me is breaking on the inside. I’m really disappointed with my spiritual failure. Help me deal with this.
I used to think that I could do it all, be this person at one time and another at another time. But believe me, it doesn’t work that way. You can either stay in the closet, or come out and live fully for God. It’s a choice that he has given us.
This woman has a lot of faith in God when she prays, she trusts God, she believes in God, and yet when storms come, she panics. How do I get rid of this other woman? And I ask the Lord to help me deal with what is going on in this sanctuary. Anger, gossip, envy, criticism, lust, the list goes on has been destroying my inner sanctuary. In proverbs 18:21, it says that; “Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof,” says the bible. Indeed, the tongue can do much damage. I know that most of us have felt the sting of a thoughtless remark. James talks about the tongue as a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. He went on to describe the tongue as a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. This is the tongue we use to praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.” When I read this passage it reminded me of what happened to me years ago. I had confided in someone who was a very close friend of mine about some things which she went on to tell other people about. When I found out about it I was so devastated. But I couldn’t do anything about it. The reason being that whatever she did, I’ve done something worst. I’m not ashamed to confess that I have done worst, but I am sorry and I had to bring God back into my consciousness.
I love the me that loves God so much, the me that wants to do right all the time, the me that cares about people, the me that wants to pray and worship. But then there is the me that wants to be conformed to this world, the me that wants to gossip, tell lies, the me that criticizes, I’m talking about the self righteous me that thinks she is better than anybody else. The empty and broken me that camouflages all the time. I know that this is not the woman that God made, this is not me, I need help. My mind is dysfunctional. I keep wondering how I can be this close to God and yet not get what I need.
Yes, I want God to define me. I want to know who I really am. What is actually my purpose for being here? I’m practically lost. I’m I really the person I portray myself to be? Have I being misleading people into thinking that I am more than I actually I’m?
I'm beginning to think that building my sanctuary is doing nothing to increase my humility. Instead of drawing closer to God, I'm drawing closer and closer to myself, I'm convinced that self- reliance is the solution, so nothing around me is pointing to the need for God.
Sometimes I feel like I’m not the only one in my body, I feel like there are really two people on the inside of me, one that loves God with all her heart and wants to do the right thing, and these other person that wants to impress people. I’m not even settled in my heart as to who I am. I have been told that in other to find myself that I have to go to the one who made me, who created me, because he is the one who knows me. Then I started thinking, maybe if God tells me who I am, then I can understand why I’m still battling two people on the inside of me. I longed to see what God sees in me when he looks at me. I used to be afraid to come as I am, but God has a way of exposing your life that you cannot hide anymore. He has a way of pushing at the bitterness in your heart to awaken you to its dangers.
“LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill? He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart
and has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman.”
( Ps. 15:1-3
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